Memories of a Lost Home
by tilinelson2
Summary: Prejudice. A Forbidden Love. Tragedy. A very dark epistolary tale.  Rated M for gruesomeness. The subject may be somewhat disturbing.


There were only us. In that whole desolated world. A world we called home. Good or bad, it was our home. It still is our home. It should be my home as well. Even if I were to be six feet underground, I would rather be there than here. It was not my fault; you did it to me. You made me do that. You ruined my life.

We were there, living peacefully, nothing to care about but our own things. Then, you came. Shyly, the big blue and white flaming dragons landed on the soft ice, making a roaring sound. And, as they opened up their bellies, you came out of it, invading our home.

You were so far from us that no one bothered. We let you do whatever you wanted, as long as you didn't meddle with us, and that was our fault. Like an infection, you started spreading through the plains and poking the soil, the mountains, leaving your waste behind. That was our main mistake; we should have got rid of the infection at its very first beginning. But we were lenient; we didn't want to be hostile. We let the cancer spread on our own body.

After the first false friendly contacts, you established a city into an unpopulated area, and then started operating your machines, drilling large holes on the rocks, looking for who-knows-what. Obviously, your antics didn't match ours, so we started questioning you about your actions. However, you always avoided the subject, saying that it was harmless exploration, so we should not worry about.

As the time passed, the friendly attitude towards us was clearly apparent. You started calling us eccentric, weird, and big liars. You condoned our ways of life and beliefs, calling them inferior. You ridicule our religion, our language, our clothes, and even our appearance. We are the _clowns of Algol _according to you.

My ruin was that I did not accept the position you had put me on. I did something that was inadmissible to your eyes. How could a Dezorian do that? How dared I to break the most important rule? I don't know how it started. I never wanted anything from you, just that you didn't bother me. Then, _she _happened.

I cannot say what was so special about that Palman, but, though she looked like other Palman girls, when I first laid my eyes on her, something changed inside me. Some part of my mind started screaming loudly _I want her_. Obviously, it was an absurd idea. She was not the first Palman girl that came to live in my village; there should be nothing special about her. Besides, the same way you consider our looks awkward, we consider yours. So, I tried to repress that sudden thought and dismiss it as a foolery.

Oh, but who said I could? No, the thoughts were stuck in my mind. The idea of having her only grew with the time, fueled by my most primitive desires. I wanted her; I needed her, like I've wanted no one else before. I was so absorbed in this scheme that I had even forgotten I was married. No, here I lie; I had never forgotten that I was married. But I pretended I did, because it made it look less wrong to my eyes than it actually was. And it didn't matter how much of an idealistic moralist I used to be, I just could not resist the temptation, fight the urge of doing something I knew it was wrong. Don't accuse me of being wicked. I was weak, but not evil. Nevertheless, who among us, had not fallen for his own weakness at least once?

She was always there, with pale skin and long black locks flowing down her shoulders, over her breast and back, swirling, dancing in the omnipresent cold Dezorian wind, which made her body shiver under her long dress and wool coat. Coat and dress that could not hide her beauty under them. Oh, how I wished to wrap that frail body in my arms and protect her from the howling winds. But what hopes did I have? She would surely refrain from the cold touch of my hard scales I had to resign in my quiet contemplation, devouring her with my eyes. I wonder if she was aware that I was always looking at her, with my eyes burning with desire.

Funny how love can be powerful enough to turn a once outspoken, courageous, friendly, and even shameless man into a shy boy. I can't remember how many times I had the firm resolution of finally introducing myself to her, but refrained from it. I don't know what I feared, but I was afraid that something would happen. Something that would make me lose the opportunity of having her once and for all. I think it is because you consider us inferior people. Each time one of you engages in a conversation with us, you can't hide your arrogance, mocking us for being what we are, making fun of our accent, ridiculing our arguments. There are some liars among us, but aren't there many liars amongst the Palmans? There are some evil Dezorians, but can you say all members of your stupid pretentious species are holy? Don't you have the lunatics, the crooks, the morons, the hypocrites, the villains? Can't you see it is the same for you as it is for us? Can't you realize we have grown a dislike for you because you have never took any action that would make us see you through a positive light? You have never made any effort to be pleasant, to be nice to us. That would be enough for us, Dezorians, like you, Palmans. We have our share of hospitality. We have a longing tradition of being peaceful. If we had prejudice against you, do you think we would allow you to settle down in our planet? We just wanted you to be polite and friendly to us. That you respected the fact that the planet is ours; that you are just visitors. But, no, you have never asked our permission. Even so, you landed in our planet, used our resources and land to build a city for you. And only you, because you forbade Dezorians from living in it. You started extracting all the things you considered valuable from our planet under our nose without saying anything, without offering anything back, and, to make matters worse, you consider each Dezorian as a pile of garbage, unworthy of your consideration or respect. What did you expect back from us? We may be tough men, with a devil-may-care attitude towards life, and a penchant for sarcastic and dark humor, but we do have feelings, pride, and self-esteem, just like you. We hate when you try to make us fools. You are exactly like the image you have of us. But not my Palman princess. No, she had to be perfect. She would understand me. She would understand us all.

Yet, it didn't make me more confident about her acceptance of my love, so I started watching her coming and going, passing by my door, as if I was not there. Sometimes I'd follow her to the shops, hoping she would ask me anything, or say a friendly word. Unfortunately, she didn't. She was so shy that she blushed just for asking the shop clerk for a product. It only made her merrier. The way she walked, the way she talked, amazed me, put me under a spell. Her delicate movements, the way she looked down and blushed when she noticed I was staring at her only made her lovelier. Oh, I was completely surrendered to her charms. However, there was a great chasm to be crossed, a great barrier of ice between us. It felt like all the ice of our planet was between my heart and hers. Nevertheless, I had hopes, I knew that a sweet smile of her perfect ivory teeth or a simple _hi_ from her enchanting siren voice would be enough to melt all the ice and get me mesmerized instantly. The only problem was that the smile never came.

After battling my feelings for months, I didn't resist anymore. They say it is not the vileness that makes a thief, but the opportunity. And so came mine. During a very cold day in our village, my muse had to pay a visit to the shops, for the Palmans' house had run out of meat, and she had to cook for everyone. I wonder how tasty it must have been the food prepared by those delicate hands... Well, I've seen her passing through my window, and it was too late to follow her, so I resigned myself to stay outside, waiting for her to come back. That day was particularly cold even for a Dezorian, and the wind was hitting very hard. But I had no thoughts for anything else than my beauty goddess. I waited for what must have been a dozen minutes, but it looked like hours to my anxiety-drenched mind. Finally, she came back, walking gracefully, protecting her face from the gushing winds with her right hand, and holding the small package under her left arm. She was prettier than ever! When she passed near my house, somewhat embarrassed by my presence, I stepped on her way on purpose, to see if she would pay attention to me this time. Much to my awe, my princess just looked down and avoided me. As she was leaving, I couldn't stand anymore. I just could not live without her anymore. She had to be mine. I needed to feel the softness and the warmth of her body pressed against mine. Besides, nobody was watching, and my house was empty, for my wife had gone to visit some relatives. My instincts were so much in control of my mind that they blocked my reasoning. Therefore, I extended my arm and grabbed her shoulder, pulling her towards me.

What followed was the result of a man out of his mind, suffering with an unrequited love for months, not able to leave it, not able to fulfill the most important thing of his life. I admit it was wrong, but I was out of my mind. Who had never been so much in love that he never thought about the possibility of doing what I had done? I know that if I were stronger, I'd never have done that, for it was very wrong, but you know, each one of you, be Palman, Motavian, Dezorian or whatever, had already fiddled with this idea, even if just for a few seconds. So, I hope you understand me. Not forgive, because I am not asking for forgiveness. I believe when we make something wrong, we must pay for it. But, please, try to understand, I'm not a fiendish rogue. The girl was startled and let out a loud scream. Luckily, no one was there to hear it, so I pulled her towards me and laid my free hand over her mouth. You will never imagine what I have felt when I felt the smoothness of her skin, the warmth of her body against mine, the pleasurable sensation of her clothes ruffling my skin, the pulse in her veins, her sweet scent of flowers, so rare in Dezoris, her life pulsing in that wonderful body, clung into mine. She cringed in fear and tried desperately to free herself from my grab, but I had nothing else in my mind than trying to perpetuate that moment, so, while she cringed in terror and struggled to break free from my grip, I dragged her inside my house and slammed the door as soon as we got inside.

First, I let her go free. My princess was so scared that she fell on her knees when I released her. I didn't want to scare her, because I loved her and the only thing I wanted was to make her happy. It was like a dream, to have my dear Palman alone, with me. After a long silence, I, who had learned to speak a bit of your language in order to communicate with her, as obviously you would never learn the language of the inferior race, started babbling _Love you, love you, dear. _More afraid than ever, her reaction was exactly the opposite I expected from her. She begged me to let her go. I slowly approached her, still babbling the same words, and gently touched her face. She reacted as if my fingers were red-hot coals, trying to get away from me. I tried to explain my love to her, for I was sure she would understand, but she didn't want to listen. I proposed to her, forgetting I was a married man, promised her everything, but she would only beg me to let her go away. And I wouldn't. It took me so much to have her by my side that I would not let her go without feeling the softness of those black locks, delicate as small cotton flocks, her soft and warm velvet skin, the pressure of her body into mine, her life pulsing in my arms.

I embraced her tightly. Her eyes were shining, but with fear, I reckon. I pressed her body against mine and tried to kiss those sweet and soft ruby lips. She tried to fight her way out, but her feeble body strength was no match for my tight grip on her, of a knight who had waited for years to finally hold her lady in his arms. That is exactly how I felt. Finally, I had my Palman princess with me. And, obviously, I went mad, lost all the control of myself. Feeling her breasts pressed in my chest, her hips pressed into mine sparked all my animal desires, and I became just a hostage of myself. In a moment, I took her on my arms and threw her on my bed. Then, I did what I should have never done, at least not the way I did it, but I just couldn't control myself; I was out of my mind, under the spell of her charms and controlled by my filthiest base desires.

I didn't see nor listened to anything anymore. I lie, I did see the despair on her face and her tears, I did listen to her screams and pleads, but my body reacted as if I was blind and deaf. I only sought the fulfillment of my sensual touch, smell and taste needs. I ripped open her coat and dress. Oh, that skin, so white, so smooth, so warm... that flesh... was like nothing I've ever touched before. In a few moments, my princess was crying out loud, weeping and whelping in pain and despair, begging me to stop, but I could only babble promises of love and ignore her pleads. I didn't stop; I just wanted to feel her. It was the most marvelous, magic, grandiose moment of my life. I know it sounds terrible, because I was committing a vile crime, but I can't lie; having her was the most pleasant experience in my whole life. I was so much in love with her that I wished that moment would never end. Of course, my love wished the opposite, and, for my frustration and her relief, in just a few minutes, it was over. Not only before hurting and scarring her body and soul permanently.

When I had my senses satisfied, I sought her. I was suddenly aware of her pains, her fears, her sorrow. I wanted to make her rest assured I'd stay with her. I'd love her forever. I'd be gentler the next time. I would do anything I could to make her happy. I promised her a million of things while my dear lay on my bed, naked, shivering from cold, hurting from the pain, suffering from the violence she had just suffered. She wanted to run away, but I felt she was feeling too weak for that. Finally, after a few minutes, she interrupted my pledges of love with a sentence that ruined everything. _You are a monster! A beast! I hate you!_

Well, if I tell you that it made me lose my mind, you will not be surprised, for I had already lost my mind just a few minutes before. But it was too painful for me, the least thing I should have heard. If she called me a criminal, a crook, a loathsome person, a vile man, the incarnation of the demon, I'd accept and recognize she was right. But not a monster. Not a beast. Now I realized she didn't have the intention, but the first thought that crossed my mind was that she was calling me that because I was a Dezorian. That thought pierced my heart as the blade of a dagger giving the fatal stab. I became furious at the idea that she rejected me because I was a Dezorian. That she would be rejoicing if it were one of you damned bearded men, or spiked blond boys. That she would blow kisses for you, swear her eternal love and enlace you in a lovingly embrace, resting her head in your chests, wishing that day would last forever, asking you to come back again. And again. And again. That was too much for me, and I grabbed her frail arms and started shaking her body violently, asking her if she hated me just because I was a Dezorian. But, before she could answer, I made a mistake. I accidentally hit her head in the frame of my bed, so violently that I heard a loud crack. Immediately, she lost all her liveliness. Her body became loose in my hands. I have become desperate; I've never meant to harm her that way. It was an accident! An accident! Can you understand me?

In despair, I tried everything I could, for it had been so good that I planned to have her by my side for the rest of my life. I even planned to let my wife caught me in bed with her, so that old hag would sue me for the divorce and I would be free to marry my Palman princess. But fate didn't allow me and it looked like her soul had left her body instantly after I hit her head on the bed frame. No, that couldn't be! I had lost my Palman princess! I had killed my love! No, I may have been weak and let my base instincts overrule all the sanity in my mind, harming the woman I love, but I was not so low, so vile to the point of murdering the woman I love. You ought to believe me. She died in my arms and I, refusing to believe, cried. Cried over her body, like a baby. I had just inflicted a fatal basilar skull fracture in the fragile Palman. How could I live knowing that I had murdered the owner of so much love, grace, kindness, and beauty? How could I live knowing that I paid back the woman that had provided the most exhilarating moment of my life with death? The pain was so intense that I deserved not to be imprisoned for my crime, for losing her was the greatest punishment I could ever receive.

One could argue I've never had her, for I forced her into submission just to satisfy my filthy desires. And probably this one is right. But I want to believe she felt something other than hate for me. That she would, at least understand me. That she would recognize my feelings were true. But, after some hours, my soft, warm and smooth skinned Palman had become rigid and cold, like a Dezorian. Like me. Maybe you are right when you say we are inferior, for we look like the corpses of Palmans. As the deed was done, I had to do something with the body of the woman I loved. So, I waited until the late hours of the night and sneaked out of my room, carrying the frail corpse of my beloved wrapped in an old curtain. I'm sure no one has seen me, as I was very careful. In any case, my alibi would be that I just wanted to throw away the ragged curtain. So, after walking for a long time, under a terrible blizzard, I finally reached a spot by the mountains were no one would go, and buried my beloved Palman's body in the snow.

As I returned home, I tried to forget that debacle. Of course, I'd never forget my lovely Palman princess, but I wanted to try to live my life. I had been permanently scarred by that event, but I had nothing to do about it. Nothing that I could do would bring my dear back to me. The scars would never mend. So, I tried to pretend nothing had happened, for I could not change the past and I had no need of sacrificing the future. No one has seen me; no one would ever accuse me. With her body buried, no evidences of my despicable act would surface.

What a fool I am! As soon as they noticed the girl's disappearance, the first place the robotcops went was my home. Absorbed in my own dreams and delusions, I didn't notice that everybody, Palmans and Dezorians, were aware that I was stalking the Palman girl. You didn't do anything because the girl didn't officially complain (though I later learned that she was very worried about my behavior towards her) and no one considered me dangerous, for I was well known in my village, a good worker and respected husband.

Now, I'm here, in this damned prison. You were obviously unfair with me, because you hate us and you loath the simple thought of thinking I've had one of your women. I'm fully aware I have committed a crime in forcing her to submit to my carnal desires, but I didn't kill her on purpose, I didn't meant her harm. If it were one of your men who had done it, he would have been condemned for three to five years and then released, for he'd only be charged of the original violence. As it was me, you filthy Palmans sentenced me to perpetual confinement in the solitary cell. You took me out of my world to make me suffer in this hateful prison. I know I've made a mistake, but it was all because of you. If you had never invaded our planet and took everything we owned, not giving us anything back, I'd have never done that. If you had given me what I wanted from you, I'd have never committed any crime. I'd be happy by the side of the woman I loved. I'm sure she had grown a dislike to me because you taught her that a Palman woman should never pay attention to the advances of a loathsome liar, crook and depraved Dezorian clown. Had you not been so prejudicial against us, I'd be happy, at home, and she would be happy by my side. This would be a tale of love, acceptance and fairness, not tragedy, prejudice and death. Moreover, I can't take anymore of your abuses. If you think you have power over my life, to freely take me from my home and lock me in the infamous Triada prison for the rest of my life, I assure you, pathetic Palmans, you have no power over us. We will resist and thrive. You will be expelled from our home, eventually. For you had no respect for us, so you don't deserve to share a room in our home. Farewell, fools!

P.S.: My love, I can't live without you. Wherever you are, soon I'll have you in my arms again, breathing your flowery scent, feeling your smooth velvet skin, touching your soft hair, kissing your soft lips, feeling the warmth of your body and, above all, feeling the warmth of your love inside my undying soul.

_This letter was found inside one of the cells of Triada prison, in AW 339, along with the body of a Dezorian, who had committed suicide. The letter was not released to the public, to avoid causing a stir, __especially among the Dezorians. Its inflammatory content was considered inappropriate and the letter was burned along with the remains of the prisoner, under the orders of Emperor Lassic, who sought to unite all of the Algal Solar System control in his own hands._


End file.
